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Thursday, July 17th, 2003
9:50 am - Just because I have a feeling that you might be curious!
I just wanted you to know that what you have done is wrong. You called my pictures borderline pornographic yet mothers are taking their children to the grocery store where they can see the cover of Cosmopolitan in the check out line. Or when children are placed in front of the television just to occupy their time. I'm sorry but I think for some reason that you might find slightly more nudity on the television and in easily accessible magazines then what was shown in those pictures. You can't even detect a nipple!!!! And last I knew you appreciated things like Art. You were the last person I would ever expect to do something like that. I understand that you may not like me. I don't understand how you came to this conclusion being that the one time we did talk you had mentioned something about us "bonding". I really don't feel you know me and I really don't feel this was worth hurting someone so badly over. You could have discussed this with Jake or I before taking such drastic measures. But what is done is done and I have lost all respect for you as a human being. If you are wondering why I don't speak to your girlfriend anymore it is because she has shown me no reason to continue the friendship. The last few times I was at your house she ignored me and during the trip to NYC she acted very cold un-accepting of me. I really did not know how to take that. I am not the type of person that will beg for friendship. I am very insecure and when I start to feel that the person I am relating to doesn't like me then I give up. I can't trouble myself with guessing games. I need to have people around me who aren't afraid to tell me how they feel. Not someone who feels the need to beat around the bush and leave subtle hints that push you to the point of questioning such things. I also have no respect for a person that can talk trash for hours about someone and then turn around and act like they are their best friend. That to me is a disgusting aspect of a person and I won't tolerate it! I don't have to. I would rather be friendless then surround myself with people who are fake. Anyway, I feel that you owe Jake an apology! He has done nothing to deserve this from the person who is supposed to be his best friend. You have hurt him deeply. And as for me not being suitable for children, what about all of the people that are in nudist camps? Or those who are into artistic nude photography? Can you honestly say that all those people are not suitable to be around children??? I am baffled by your logic! I don't think that you had enough knowledge concerning any of this before you made such an irrational decision! I'm sorry to find this out about you. It's really a disappointment!

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Thursday, June 12th, 2003
11:40 pm - I have to delete my journal
"SOMEONE" found out from "SOMEONE ELSE" who I haven't done anything to and would never had done anything to, that I have a journal and decided it would be a good idea to take a peak. "SHE" decided that the contents of my journal are evidence that I am a druggie, a manic depressive unstable freak, and that I can no longer see "HER" daughter. My sexuality has also played a part in this decision. Honestly and "holeheartedly" I don't see anything wrong with anything that has been written in here over the past year. My sexuality has nothing to do with how I would react around children. I could list references from possibly over a hundred people who would agree that I am a good natured, and caring individual. I have been told time and time again that I would make a great mom and that I should consider taking up teaching. There are certain lines that are drawn in everyone's lives that divide the relationships between their children and the relationships between other adults. MOST people are blessed with enough knowledge to know what situations are safe for children. Whether or not you are gay, bi, or hetero, most people know that you don't talk to children about what you might be doing in the bedroom. I consider myself to be one of those people. I love children! Their innocence and vast perception to the world amazes me!
I don't see (even if I were) that depression can be used as a ground excuse for not allowing one to be around children. I am for the most part very happy! Once a month (instead of becoming a psycho bitch) I become very depressed. I also am greatly affected by the weather. Lack of sunlight bothers me. I get what some people would call "cabin fever". This is not a reason to take a child out of my life. I'm not looking to be the child's mother. I wouldn't discipline this child unless she was doing something life threatening and there was no one else around to stop her. Even then I wouldn't raise my voice to her or grab her. I would simply call her attention elsewhere.

If anyone has a code they could give me so that I may continue to use live journal I would be most appreciative. I don't really want to give this up. Writing my feelings, no matter how hormonal and flighty they may be, has helped me greatly and I really enjoy meeting new friends!

Also if anyone has some sort of testimonial to give concerning this situation, I would also be very grateful. Those of you that know me and have spent countless hours with me know that I am not who this "GIRL" thinks I am.


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Sunday, June 8th, 2003
3:20 am - I really love my boyfriend!!

current mood: amused

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Saturday, June 7th, 2003
10:39 pm
I was noticing tonight that there seems to be an awful lot of hatred on livejournal. I almost feel as though I'm back in highschool while I'm reading through my friends page and looking into communities. I was never the type of person that had a lot of friends. I used to care about my social status a lot when I was younger (12,13,14) but I gave up. I'm just way too sensitive and didn't like what I saw in the people who were supposed to have it all. A lot of back stabbing and sheep hearding. I still see this going on today. I don't think that people grow out of it. In a way I'm glad that I'm anti-social and weird. There's too much stress involved in trying to meet people that truly want to be my friend.

on the other hand...

I sometimes wonder though if a lot of the reason people behave the way they do around me is because of what they see in me. I think that sometimes my insecurities inhibit me from opening myself up to people who might actually be intrested in getting to know me. I also wonder at times if the fact that I am so tightly closed prevents people from seeing the honesty in me. In a way I may be pushing people away while at the same time feeling like they have found something wrong with me and just don't want to associate with me. It's all very confusing and when I over "anal-ize" things this way the reality of the situation becomes harder and harder for me to find. I wish that people were more open with eachother. Or maybe they could just hold up a sign. YES if they want to know you and NO if they want you to get the fuck away.

current mood: depressed

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Thursday, June 5th, 2003
12:54 am
Read more...Collapse )

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12:50 am - testing
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<lj-<img src=http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-6/219145/sexystephie1.JPG/>

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Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003
10:15 am
I met someone on friendster last night. We talked for a while and she seems to have a lot of the same interests I have. I hope it was an honest conversation! I have a hard time meeting new women for some reason. She seemed pretty genuine though and I would definitely be interested in hanging out. More conversation would be good before any plans are made. I'm so freaking tired right now. I was up till 3 and I woke up at 9. I feel like I'm getting old. I can't stay up late like I used to without feeling like shit the next day. Oh well tomorrow is my day of and I get to spend it carting people around in rochester. Maybe I'll make them go thrift store shopping with me. I think that should be an even trade off for my services!!! Time to get ready for work!! Yippee.

current mood: groggy

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Monday, June 2nd, 2003
9:26 am - the ramblings of a lonely bored girl
I fell asleep depressed. I woke up feeling neutral. I wonder how the rest of the day will go. For some reason if I don't accomplish a certain number of tasks throughout the day, and all I do is fuck around, I feel as though the day was wasted. I know that I'm still young and that now is a prime time in my life for fucking around. I should be fucking around right? Well yes and no. I should be researching college and saving to get my new car on the road. I can't begin to express how thankful I am for the car that Jake gave me. I would have never even asked for something like that from anyone. hopefully I'll get a decent chunk for my piece of crap. I'm going to put 700 on it and I'm not going any lower then 500. Its been damn good to me and I'm sure it will last a few more years.

on a lighter note. I responded to a few ads on friendfinder. I believe it was Erindipity who told me about this site. I'm hoping to meet some girls that I can be friends with without the feeling that my sexuality freaks them out. I'm not looking for sex. Just someone to talk to. It's hard being me sometimes. Most of the time I'm just too damn picky about who I want in my life. People suck and I will never change my mind about that.

current mood: blank

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Saturday, May 31st, 2003
10:23 am
I want to loose weight! About 20 pounds would probably do the trick. I don't think I am grotesque or anything right now. I just don't feel comfortable with my body. So my plan is to buy some sort of exercise video that I can do in the morning before work. I'll eat oatmeal for breakfast and be very careful throughout the rest of the day. I think all of my over exposure to porn and strip clubs (thanks to jake) has made me a bit self-conscious about my body. I see so many women with nice flat tummies and perky breasts. Well goddammit I want those too!!

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Thursday, May 29th, 2003
8:57 pm - maybe I'm overall way too horny!
I wanted rehash a bit on an earlier post. The reason being that there may be a certain few out there that would find something completely wrong with it and wouldn't understand my true direction. I am bisexual. I've known this for quite some time. I also know that I am completely in love with my boyfriend Jake. I often think of us growing old together and it feels natural. I also feel that my curiosity to experiment with a woman is stronger then it has ever been. It doesn't help that Jake is always telling me that he wouldn't mind if I did. Grrrr! I don't really know what to do about all this. It's hard because I know that in most cases something like that would ruin a relationship. If something were to happen I would need to know that he wouldn't feel cheated or doubt my love for him. This is all very confusing and it stresses me greatly.

current mood: distressed

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10:34 am - I have a death wish
My attempt at becoming a non-smoker was very unsuccessful. I even spent 6 dollars for a pack last night because they where the closest around and I felt like I was going to tear myself into little pieces if I didn't have one that second. I really don't believe I'll be able to quit without the aid of some pill or patch or gum. It really sucks knowing that I'm enslaved to something so disgusting.

current mood: bored

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9:24 am
So I've been looking at lesbian communities all morning...this makes me wonder sometimes.

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Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
4:43 pm
I finally had internet hooked up in my apt. I haven't been online in so long that I think I've developed a bad case of writers block. Maybe now isn't the time for creativity. I'm going with Jake to get his tattoo touched up. I'm hoping we stop at Java's on the way back. I've decided to try and quit smoking. I had one cigarette today and that was only because I was really freaking out and I found one in my car. I couldn't throw it away. I honestly don't know if I really want to quit. I really enjoy smoking. I know that it's a dirty habit and that I could get cancer or emphysema or something but I guess thats the risk I and a million others take everytime we light one up. It's strange because when I think about my life without cigarettes I almost feel scared. It's like a bad relationship that you've been brainwashed into staying in. I love the cigarettes. I really do! ("hack hack") Yeah!

current mood: anxious

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Saturday, May 3rd, 2003
9:46 am
There are always certain things about a person you can never get them to admit until they are really down and out. Even still these things aren't told directly to you. Why is it that people feel the need to paint a pretty picture (usually one that seems slightly prettier then yours) making you feel as though you are not cared for or needed? You give up after months, even years, of aggravation only to find out that that person was there with you the whole time. Why is it so hard to admit that you have no friends, that you don't know everything, that you are human??? We all have imperfections. Not one of us is a super-being.

I'm am not here to prove my mentality or worth is better then anyone that I know, yet people around me constantly judge me. I believe that I am an honest person. I don't like to lie but I have in the past. I think people are afraid of this. They don't like someone who can talk so openly about things even if they may be a little gross or not within the moral standards of society. I guess that is just one of the things that makes me so rare and I think I would rather be rare then fit in. I don't even think that it's possible. I've come to the conclusion that I don't fit in anywhere and that I should just get used to being by myself. It's not so bad. For now anyway...

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Tuesday, November 26th, 2002
10:37 am
I worked out some sort of budget for myself that will be in effect once I move into my new apt.

I spend
300 for rent
140 for gas
80 for insurance
80 for food
40 for cigarettes
for a total of 640

I make about 920 per month at the very very least. This is if everyday is a shitty day and I only make 30 a day. I figure in order to go see tori and have a kick ass time in NYC I have to save about 5 dollars a day which I usually make in change so that should be no problem. So this leaves me with about 280 a month for fun and to save. I want to have a new (or new to me) car by next summer. I've got seven months. I think I can do it! I'm just going to have to be really careful!

I think Erin and I are going to make some extra special holiday cookies (if you know what I mean *nudges lightly with elbow*) with some stuff that Jake gave us. I'm gonna have to cook it in the morning while my mom is at work. The whole house is gonna reek.

current mood: calm

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1:03 am
I've come to the conclution that Blurty.com sucks ass! I didn't spend too much time over there but I don't think that it was necessary.

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Thursday, November 21st, 2002
10:20 am - Flat tires and Vintage clothing
Yesterday after taking Roxy to her appointment I decided that since we were already in the city, it would be a good idea to go and get some coffee. On the way there I make a quick decision to stop at this little Vintage store called Godiva's. I hadn't been there in about 5 years due to them switching their location and becoming unknown. I pulled up along the front of the shop to park and ever so swiftly ate the curb with my tire. My tire was hungry. It instantly sank to the ground. Lucky enough for me there was a repair shop across the street and they put my donut on for five dollars. Then I head back to the store because after all that I'm definitely going to look around. I walked out with 50 less dollars in my purse but it was worth it! I got some pretty fun stuff and I plan on going back someday soon! Now I'm off to get some coffee. Buzz buzz buzz! Called my honey and he got me a tire for 20 dollars! I had it put on this morning. I also got my Tori tickets!!!!! I'm going out of my mind with excitement about that! I really hope she plays Upside Down. It's one of my favorites. Now I have to get ready for work. Whoop-de-fucking-do!

current mood: chipper

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Wednesday, November 20th, 2002
1:39 am
I want to clarify something that was written in an earlier post. Mostly for the sake of loved ones who may be reading this and for my own reasons. I had mentioned something about my relationship with Jake loosing it's original "glow". This in a way is true but after reading over what I wrote, I realized that it sounded like things where going downhill between us. This is nowhere near the truth! I think that we have advanced if anything and it's wonderful! It's true I can be around him now without my tongue shoved down his throat. I still love him dearly and even more so then before. I have a tendency to go into these weird little spurts of depression. I become paranoid. I worry that in the long run, he won't want to deal with my mood swings on top of everything else that is going on in his life. He puts up with a lot of shit from a lot of different sources and I envy the strength that holds him together. He might not agree with that but if I were in his shoes I would have lost it long ago. So now that this has been defined I will go to sleep because I'm extremely tired and have a "day" tomorrow.

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Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
10:00 am - Do I have some hidden love for Jazz?
I'm at a concert. The stage is all hardwood. A black woman who looks a little like Aretha Franklin (a slim Ms. Franklin) is singing while a jazz band backs her up. The color keeps changing from black in white to color and I am really digging this music until...BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP. Ok so it was a dream. Normally I don't like that type of music at all and in my dream I was really getting down to it.

Erin called me at work last night and asked me to work for her at her store. I told her I would be more then willing to go in and help direct people in the way of hair products. The only thing is, I would be working on my days off. At first I thought that this would be a really good way for me to make x-mas money and save for a car. Now I'm not so sure I want to do this. I have made promises to certain people that I would be breaking by doing this. I told my friend Roxanne to get her chemo appointments switched to weds so I could go with her and keep her sane. Also, as much as I would be making and saving, there would be no time at all for me to go x-mas shopping. This year I wanted to make presents for everyone. I have this really good idea that a friend gave me and I think we are gonna do it together. So to make a not so long and pointless entry short, I'm not going to take the job. Now I just have to call her and tell her I changed my mind. I hate the thought of that for some reason.

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Monday, November 18th, 2002
10:48 am
went out last night to meet Erin's new friend John. We went to Denny's (I felt like I was committing a terrible crime) for coffee and talked a while about nothing really. I was in a very strange mood last night. I can't tell yet if any of it is leftover for today. On the way over I was burning incense and listening to Dead Can Dance. I had worked up a pretty nice mood with the snow, the music, and the incense. I was actually pretty happy until I almost hit a deer. My heart literally dropped for a sec and it sorta hurt. From that moment on (for no apparent reason) my mood had a considerable downfall. It felt like fear. Fear of what? I don't know. I didn't notice it as much when I was in the restaurant but I was in a pretty "crazy" mood there too. I has this whole bitchy attitude about everything. Especially the waitress. For some reason this girl really bothers me. Everything about her is incredibly annoying. From her non-existent sense of humor to the way she walks. Who am I to think this way?? I'm definitely not special. I'm not better then anyone else. I guess I just don't like her. I'm entitled to that aren't I? Anyway about this John guy...I would have to meet him again to form a definite opinion. I got a bunch of mixed vibes from him. He seems nice enough. Pretty argumentative though. Puts up a good fight if he believes he's right. So far he seems pretty smart. A lot of useless knowledge but I get the feeling that common sense is something he possesses. I honestly can't say I like this guy but I don't dislike him either. We need to hang out more. I do hope that Erin doesn't rush into anything with him. She needs to know him better I think. That is just my opinion though and normally it doesn't count. On my way home was when this feeling of fear really set in. I started to think about myself and how much of a hypocrite I could be at times and how sometimes I don't really know who I am or what I'm doing. I really love Jake! A lot! I have noticed that the original shine our relationship had in the beginning is starting to fade. I feel as I am bringing him down and I hate it. I don't know if I am because he doesn't always feel like discussing his feelings with me. I have a feeling this winter is going to be hard for me. Not because of the fact that he isn't going to be around as much. I have accepted that. I feel like I'm sinking very slowly. I don't like the cold, the early nights, the lack of sunlight. I think I need to talk to someone but I don't know who and I DON'T want to take any meds to make me feel better. I don't want to be anyone but myself. I just need to find something to do with myself to make it all go away. Someone gag me with a spoon! Please!

current mood: blah

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